Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Linger Theorem

Before we begin, there is a need to explain three terms: crush, infatuation and oneitis.

Crush, is when a guy, has a fondness for a girl.  However, the image of a crush can be broken easily.  For instance, if said girl digs her nose in public, then the whole crush image would probably just fall apart.

Infatuation, obviously, is a higher level.  When aforementioned girl starts digging her nose in public, involved guy instead, says hey, it doesn’t look that bad, in fact, it’s kinda cute and funny.

Oneitis, as the name suggests, is basically a strong feeling that a girl, is the one it is.  Well, this is pretty obvious huh.  The special one.  The one whom you want to spend the rest of your life with.  The one whom you would be willing to march 72km in full battle order; under the sweltering heat while being flogged by a 18th century slave driver every other 20 seconds just to see her smile.  More realistically, traveling 3 hours end enduring a sure traffic jam just to catch glimpses of her sideways. It’s not a made-up word.  This word has already made its way to the urban dictionary.  When the oneitis girl  reveals unshaven armpits (apparently for months), said guy would defend and say something like I haven’t shave my pubes for months either.

The problem with oneitis is that in a case of oneitis, imaginary facts are weaved to protect and further complement the oneitis feel.

What is the Linger Theorem then?  The Linger Theorem asserts that whenver a guy has a oneitis girl, he will inadvertently start comparing any girl that is remotely close to starting an intimate relationship with him with the oneitis girl.  This shall also be known as “The Linger”.

There are actually ten reasons why the Linger Theorem occurs.  However, in compliance to the Pareto Principle, also known as the 80/20 Rule…wait, you’re unaware of the Pareto Principle?  The Pareto Principle states that 80% of happenings is due to 20% of causes.  For instance, 80% of the wealth is held by 20% of the people.  80% of diseases are caused by 20% of the genetic mutations.  Incessantly, I shall continue to state the two, alright, I shall be generous, three reasons why the Linger Theorem takes place.

The first reason, is habit.  Have you ever wonder why people keep patronizing the same hawker stall?  It’s not just because the food is tasty.  The thing is, habit.  When a customer decides that the food is of acceptable quality, he/she decides to make it a pattern, or rather, a routine, to purchase from that stall.  A routine breeds familiarity and familiarity leads to comfort and a sense of security.  You change the bank of a veteran banker and he would still get some first-day jitters.

Why then do people say the only constant is change?  Firstly, that is bullshit.  Relating back to the Pareto Principle again, 80% of the changes in the world are actually created by 20% of the people (successful).  Secondly, you must be naive to believe people follow motivational posters 100% of the time.  Even those who claim in their Myers Briggs Test that they abhor a schedule, they do need a routine.  That someone who claims he cannot stand a scheduled timetable and needs to be running around meeting clients, making things happen, etc etc, is unknowingly, part of a routine.  Quite simply, his is just a more flexible routine.  While a cubicle worker’s routine would be to report for work, type report, lunch, type report, tea-break, type report and then knock off, our “freedom hero”‘s daily plan would be: get ready for work, meet client, lunch/meet client for lunch, meet another client, tea-break/maybe meet client for tea-break, rest and maybe meet client at a bar.  Close examination at the most spectral level will still provide a skeleton of a routine.

People like to feel comfortable.  After building up your perfect girl, ala your oneitis, it would becoming to have the habit to decide that no one else is better, or worse, even close.  This happens everywhere.  When a new product is launched, huge amounts of money are poured in for promotion.  Why?  We do not like to adopt new ways nor ideas; this further solidifies the “habit behaviour”.  When comparing sports legend, why do you think older fans always defend their idols so fiercely and refusing any propositions put forward by the younger generation?  Again, it’s by force of habit.  They have been accustomed to think that their heroes are the best, and it would be difficult to change that.

The second reason, is self-fulfilling prophecy.  No one likes to admit he is wrong, or deluded.  Throughout the history of time, many armies were wiped because generals refused to put a stop to their conquest.  Aforementioned generals refused to believe that they have made mistakes and taken it a step too far.  A modern-day example would be stocks.  The buyer refuses to believe that he has made an erroneous decision and he should pull out to cut losses.  He continues to cling on stubbornly to the belief that his stocks would bounce back (which sometimes happens), to the point even putting even more money in (note I said putting, not investing).  After creating such a perfect fantasy setting for your oneitis girl, it is pretty stupid to shoot oneself in the foot by acclaiming that she isn’t the one.  Therefore, you continue to assert that she is the one and believe so.

Comparison is the third basis for the Linger Theorem.  Humans like to compare.  This is not a modern day issue.  It dates back even to the tribal times.  The strongest hunter is made chieftain.  You see, it’s human nature to want to vie.  This makes the primary reason why people become unhappier as one grows up, but this is a topic that I would not dwell on today.  With girls, it’s the same.  I have no idea about you, but I want to be able to be proud of my girl.  It is inevitable that you would compare whatever new specimen of the female species presented back to the oneitis girl.

So how do we rise above the Linger Theorem?  There are three possible aspects to explore when attempting to defeat “The Linger”: natural, physical and mental.

The natural way to cure “The Linger” is to well, by allowing Father Time to work his magic.  The dogma that time will heal all wounds holds water in this setting.  As a child, have you ever lost your favourite toy (maybe it was taken away from you by a bully, in which case, jakes on you, loser)?  Well, I’m certain you felt better after awhile; although invariably, a new and better one might have helped.  The time taken for this natural cure is directly proportional to the time spent formulating fantasies of oneitis girl.

The second way, would be via physical means.  To go right up to aforementioned oneitis girl and confess.  There are two general conclusions: happy ending or a slap across the face.  However, the chances of the former occurring are pretty much close to nil, which is why “The Linger” has set in anyway.  Should the latter be the circumstance you are caught in, the next course of action have three paths: the “oh-well-whatever” path, the “her loss, bitch” passage and the slump-where you enter a state of depression, a pretty definitive characteristic of a faggot.

The final method of cure would be via the work of the mind, mental.  Research shows that the average human barely uses 1% of his brain capacity.  Einstein used close to 3%.  Imagine what could happen if we were to fully tap on our brain potential!  However, that is not the key concern right now.  Now, in the case of oneitis, the mind often conjures pleasant but inaccurate, or rather, false perceptions of said girl.  It is thus, very crucial to destroy the 10/10 image of said girl.

How do we achieve that goal?  There is a need to focus on her flaws.  No one is perfect.  Not even me.  If you’re too deluded to figure out what flaws she might have, it would be wise to consult with friends.  Once you have those flaws, you need to explicitly remind yourself of those flaws daily.

Yet this is a very challenging process.  Case study: myself.  When I was younger, I thought that having a tattoo would be cool.  I was seriously thinking of getting my name tattoo-ed across my forearm at one point in time.  However, of recent, I have changed my mind about it, not quite to the extreme, but to the point of turn-off.  So my oneitis girl has a tattoo on her left arm.  I decided to apply this tactic.  Ideally, I was hoping for:

Day 1-”She has a tattoo.”
Day 2-”She has a tattoo.”
Day 3-”She has a tattoo.”
Day 4-”She has a tattoo.”

Unfortunately, reality:
Day 1-”She has a tattoo.  A really small tattoo.  A really really small tattoo.  A really really small tattoo that would be covered if we held hands!”

In my defence, it was a really small tattoo; and yes, I would bet my last penny that if I pulled her close to me, it would be fully covered.

This is not an easy feat.  Let’s face it.  “The Linger” is not an easily slain monster.  Let there be reality.  When you moved from primary school to secondary school, you compared your school days.  When you moved on to JC, you compared your school days again.  Hell, you might even have traced back and compared your school days in JC against when you were in primary school.

Shoot, score, smile.

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